Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
