I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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