I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
