i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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