Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I supernannyed him into submission
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
