We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
