Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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