Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
