new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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