im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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