I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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