he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
