Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So much Jack, so little girl.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
