On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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