I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
