apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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