Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
