i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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