She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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