the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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