Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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