6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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