since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
that may or may not have been my penis.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize