youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
