you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm getting married
To pizza
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
