hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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