so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
