Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
