I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
