The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
