You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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