I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
