Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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