I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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