I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
