I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
