Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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