dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
