i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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