the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
