so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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