no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
