I am spending my child support on dildos
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
