shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
