I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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