I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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