do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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