I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
