i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
