That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
