Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
