I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
