Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
