My underwear smells like fireworks.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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