I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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