Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
