I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
