things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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