I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
