a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
